Thursday, October 15, 2009

Heyy! okay so...
Whats the deal with me? . . . .

Uhmmm lets see...
i am just right now figuring out that i have trust issues. yep... TRUST.
It took me awhile to actually figure out why but i think i kinda know why.

its the fact that when i confide in people... they somehow let me down.
For example.. A really close friend of mine n i, we faught last year. she kinda made me believe that our friendship was the kind of friendship people would be jealous of ya noe? The whole we accept each other as we are no matter what, no matter who we are or what mistakes we've done... we'll still live each other like blood family? Not even that... come on... we all know that not ALL family members get along... but this frend of mine... well she was really the one person who i could actually go to for everything knowing that she'll never judge me and she'd know that whatever i do ot what ive done is what i thought was best for me at that period of time ya noe?

But its life.... we make mistakes we learn we grow. some dont but those are the very few who dont learn. Anyways. so.. when i was in Singapore last year.. i was sooo super excited that i was going to go see her since i havent seen her in a long time... but i suppose she got really mad at me calling her. so this one day i had a text from another friend of mine? saying its time for a group talk? so i was like uhmmmm okay. . . .? i called another one of our close fren... okay bare with me here... haha... i have like 4 close frens that we are a group? we even have a name for our group! haha... arent we cute! anyways. so... i callwed my other fren up and i told her she was like yeah i got the text too... whats up with this? im like i dunnoe... but i can bet its about me? haha... so i told my fren... uhmmm im not gunna go if u dont go... so we decided to meet with the other 2 close frens... when we arrived..... the fren that was angry with me... she didnt say hi to me... so right off the bet.. i knew smth was up ya noe? so i basically sat there taking it all in.. whatever it was said to me making me feel like shit and im like sitting there freakin ballin like no other... what was the worst part? after trashing my life..... the one thign you have to realise is that not all adults are honest! come on... doesnt mean they're an adult means you have every right to trust them. And if you happen to hear things about my family... please dont belive.. unless you've seen it with your own eyes.. you dont know how much it affects my family and myself. i had to make my other 2 frens see how my life was over here in america with my family... i honestly dont see why i have to? so from that my trust in people was totally shut down. i mean they werent the ones that made it like that for me... it was more of teh people before them.. those who were in my life... like my exboyfrens? my mom? some old frens from america? so u see like those frens in Singapore were the ones i really trusted n when i heard everything i was like "wow!, realli?" and im thinkin in my head... i dont think i can handle anymore of this... to go through that was really bad... up to now... i still think about that evening. and i cry when i see pics of them together... i dont knw... it just hurts...

You know the lost people feel when their loved ones die? its the same as losing a boyfriend by break ups or even losing frens... so the pain is real.. its not as extreme as death but its a death of a frenship ya noe? But all in all... No heart feelings... some people just grow apart. I just wanted people to know why am i am the way i am now? with the whole trust issues. i just want her to know that i love her alot, like my own sister. heck we were once told we looked like sisiters! haha! And to the other 2 frens.... i miss you guys and i love you, and thanks for always supporting me throught it all.